


Glimmer

by jj_unfinished



Category: Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-18 17:44:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16521719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jj_unfinished/pseuds/jj_unfinished
Summary: You are living with Lin for the time being all so you won't be alone during this down-swing. But you're left alone while he runs errands...this is what happened while he was away and when he came home early.





	Glimmer

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self-harm, depression, cutting, etc. PLEASE do NOT read if you will get triggered, it's not worth it.

Lin came home earlier than normal. He had finished up work listening to the newest Hamildrop and wanted to surprise you with some fresh New York bagels. You had been living with him for the past few days while your depression was especially bad. Your therapist suggested it when he had to literally drag you out of bed last week to make it to your appointment. So you brought over a suitcase of comfortable clothes and some essentials. 

You had felt terrible for being such a burden to Lin recently. Well, always, actually. Even though he had assured you time and again that he would do anything for you, that he loved you more than you would ever know, that he was happy to help in any way that he could. He didn’t tell you yet, but the latest Hamildrop was written with you in mind, as it was an version of “That Would Be Enough” where it was all sung by Lin to you. He couldn’t wait to see your face when you heard it. He was certain it would light up the room. 

But for now you had no clue. You were just lying in his bed under his covers, breathing in his scent to try and calm you down. You had been thinking about all of the things you needed to be doing like cleaning the kitchen and living room and bathroom and making something for the two of you to eat when he got back. You wanted to be useful. But instead you were just a leech. A slug. A pest.

You literally rolled out of the bed, like a sad burrito. You first decided to make the bed. It was the easiest thing on your task list but it was something you could check off, at least. When you finished smoothing the covers, you went over to his dresser and picked up his cologne, spraying it on the bed. Lord knows it probably smelled gross after you had been lying there for 15 hours but you weren’t up to doing more laundry that you had to. 

You moved to the bathroom, where you knew you could at least try and make yourself presentable. The image in the mirror just stared at you, looking as empty as you felt. You let out a shaky breath and opened the medicine cabinet to get your hairbrush and the can of dry shampoo. You silently made a promise to Lin in your head that you would actually shower at some point today. (Maybe once he was home and could throw your clean clothes in the dryer so they’d be warm when you got out of the shower and maybe heat you something up to eat before dinner, which was your turn to make tonight. He was too good for you, you thought.)

When you returned the hair items back to the medicine cabinet, you noticed there was something shiny on the top shelf. You and Lin were around the same height so you thought it odd that he put something on the shelf that you had to stretch to reach. You peered up to catch a glimpse of what it could be. You got a funny feeling in your gut when you realized what it was. 

Lin must have forgotten it when he hurriedly put his shaving stuff away where you couldn’t find it. But there it was, a single blade, its glimmer in the bathroom light taunting you. You swallowed thickly. Lin wouldn’t be home for at least another hour. You needed to shower anyhow. And it’s not like he would want to have sex with you any time soon. A surge of adrenaline rushed through you as you snatched it from the shelf. You turned it over in your hand, taking in the sharp edges and pristine condition. Never been used, never come in contact with his soft, tan skin. Never drawn blood before. 

You undressed, your emotions numb as your body shivered at the loss of clothing. You started the shower, your clothes in a pile beside the sink. You avoided the person in the mirror as you tightly pinched the sliver between your fingers. 

Meanwhile, the front door opened and Lin’s voice called out your name as he sat down the bagels on the table, kicking off his shoes and hanging his jacket up on the coat rack. He knew to check the bedroom first. He was hoping that today was one of your better days. He hoped that every day.

On his way to the bedroom he heard the shower running so he decided to poke his head in, glad that you had made it out of bed for the day. 

“Hey, sweetheart, I brought you back som—” His voice caught in his throat when he saw your silhouette through the shower curtain, hunched onto the floor of the tub. All the warmth he had previously felt drained out of his body, his heartbeat quickened, his mind began to race and go blank at the same time. 

He pushed the door open the rest of the way and made his way over to the shower in two strides. He pulled the shower curtain open so fast that it ripped off some of the hooks. He didn’t care. He only cared about you, with your red-rimmed eyes and the silver object in your hand, the water pouring over your naked body. He immediately shut off the water (which had run cold) and got his shirt sleeve wet in the process, but it didn’t phase him. He yanked the blade out of your hand, spinning around to place it in the sink. Next he lifted you up by grabbing you under the shoulders and stood you up, grabbing a towel and starting to dry you off. At one point you made the mistake of catching his eye and saw both the horror and anger he was feeling. 

As he toweled you off he did an inspection of the landscape of your body that he loved so dearly.   
Wrists and arms? Clear.  
Belly? Clear.   
Thighs? 

That’s when the tears began to prick at his eyes. When he let out a guttural sound that made you jump. You barely acknowledged him telling you to hold the towel against your skin while he dug the bandages and antiseptic out from under the sink. You were certain this was his breaking point with you. 

Instead, you found him whispering kind words to you as he cleaned your short line of slices in your soft flesh. His fingers lightly touching you, as though afraid of hurting you any more. He finds a large bandage pad and smears some bacitracin on it, gently pressing it onto your skin. He stares up at you for a moment, words stuck in both of your throats before he leaned forward and kissed your bandage. 

It was too much. The tears began to stream down your face again and you stepped out of the tub and tried to make your way toward the doorway. But Lin shot up and grabbed you by the middle, holding you back. 

A strangled sound escaped your mouth and he held on tighter, pressing his body against yours, as though if he let go you would disappear. He might not have been wrong.   
You could feel his tears on your bare neck, his breath hot and shaky. After what could have been half an hour, you really had no sense of time at this point, he planted some light kisses at the spot his tears had been drenching. You were shivering but he still held on to you.

“I can’t go through this again, (Y/N). I—” his voice caught and he had to take a deep breath before continuing with his whisper. “I just love you so much. I love you more than I can express and I’ve been trying for 2 years. I’m so scared, (Y/N), I’ve never felt so helpless. Tell me what I can do for you, I want to help. I want to see you get better.”  
“I want you to let me get dressed,” you mumble and he lets out a choked laugh. 

He gives you a last kiss and a slight squeeze around the middle and let you go, coming with you to the bedroom to get some clothes.   
“Where did you have it hidden?” He asks as you slip a sweatshirt over your head. 

“Excuse me?”

He looks you dead in the eye as he spoke again. “Tell me where you had it hidden. I need to know.”

“It was in the medicine cabinet,” you respond, slowly.

“I took all the…I hid them, though.”

“You must have forgotten one.”

An expression you can’t quite place falls over his face. “Fuck!”

“Lin…”

He jams his hand into his hair, a clear sign that he’s angry. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N), I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry,” he says as he comes over and embraces you.  
“It wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

“But I—”  
You pull away to look him in the eye. “Lin-Manuel, you had nothing to do with this. If it wasn’t the bathroom it might have been the kitchen or the living room. It’s me. I’m the idiot who can’t stop fucking up.” You sit down on the bed. “I can’t believe you want to be with me after this.”

He joins you. “(Y/N), I will fight this with you until I have nothing left to give. And I’m so, so far from that.”

It was going to be a long life.


End file.
